Many years ago my best friend and I envisioned a virtual place that would do justice to the many different interests I had at that time (and still do, to large extent). I have this memory of a sunlit store space with a place to thumb through records, bookshelves, ideas...anything that occupied my thoughts. How it would be stocked and what it would be stocked with was not the challenge; it would be when.
To a great extent that still is the situation now, all these many years later. What kept me from trying...even piecemeal...was fear. Fear of doing something halfheartedly, of not doing something right and have it prove disappointing; even embarrassing.
This is why I'm determined to see what can be done through this forum, now.
So what changed? Certainly age has been a factor...you glimpse your mortality so much more readily at 60 than 50 or 40. I've also come to realize that the impression I will leave behind at this point is so sketchy and incomplete that instead of being enigmatic or mysterious, I may simply prove to be...forgettable. After all, when no one truly knows the who, what, where, when, why and why of a person's life, sooner or later curiosity will cease and one more life will end up being forgotten.
I'm prepared to face my fears: of rejection, of embarrassment, of failure...because I'm tired of wondering what if? all the time. There are times in every life when moments like that occur, but I've been guilty of making almost everything I encounter into one of those dilemmas when in truth only a small fraction need to be seen in that light. I'm looking for the finality and closure that comes from knowing for sure that's why and I don't need to look at --- in that way.
I do not intend to delve into deeply personal issues here, at least not initially. For that I have my Evernote journal, dutifully carried about with me and accessible at all times and hours through my iPod Touch, iPad Mini, desktop or laptop, filled with the highlights of each day including rants, raves, musings and reflections. But there is still ample reason for using this space in order to mull over things that are important to me in a different light than the simply personal: causes, news, issues...for example:
I've just completed the preliminary work on a website where the focus has not been on 'me' in any way, shape or form, save for the way information is being presented (visual, text, drawing). It's been almost like a commission (except I haven't been paid for it, and don't expect to; it's been entirely altruistic), and the only person I've sought to appease or satisfy is myself (the owner of the site is grateful for the time spent and for the end result...I've come to understand that whatever his intentions, he isn't..at least initially...as anal or demanding as I've been!). That sense of challenge, of calling forth the best of what I'm capable of doing or seeing...and boy did it feel good to realize that again, especially the part when you're setting the bar high because you want to see if you can make it.
One last thing to talk about in this introduction. So far this year, I am doing more things that I want to do, and while none of them may provide me any additional financial resources for the time being, at least the satisfaction and involvement they do offer is a special kind of balm for my spirit: just this afternoon, I've received word that I've been accepted as an 'elder' in an outreach counseling group. I've always wanted to be considered someone 'wise' (elder will do :) )...now the challenge will be to live up to that and not fall prey to jealousy or envy as I have so often in the past.
Along with the Good Judgment Project, I feel as if some long dormant parts of me are finally coming to life once again; the parts that are essential to feeling more aware and expanding my vision.
