I just turned 18, and yet I feel the weight of life fully already. I guess the only question I really have is, what is the meaning to life?
Wow, what a question to ponder.
I wish I could tell you definitively what your goal in life will be...I think all of us at some time in our lives would have been either grateful or curious to find that out...and your situation where everything seems to be crumbling around you leaves very little room for hope or to catch your breath. Even the support you've counted on from a parent isn't what it appeared to be. The teenage years are a difficult time already in terms of expectations and demands, not to mention the pace of life speeding up and pulling you along, whether you're ready or not...what to do?
Let me say this. You may not believe this, but you've already lived long enough to have made a difference in the lives of countless others. Your parents' lives were changed forever by your birth, and it does not matter if you were the first, last or whatever child...you were an element of change....whether for good or not, no one can really say, because it's difficult to measure something as nebulous as a life's influence or effect until you've reached the end of it.
Life has a way of using people up and then spitting them out like a discarded rind, leaving very little tangible in the way of satisfaction save for obvious financial, material markers. Your mom went from a bigwig to "nobody"...little wonder why she's feeling exhausted or spent? What does she have to show for all her efforts?
What you need to understand is this: life is more than a specific goal or purpose...it needs to be lived in order to be appreciated, it needs to be shared in order to recognize its fullest potential. Intangibles such as happiness, fulfillment, connecting, belonging, being loved and loving others, patience, perserverance...these all have a place in the picture that each of us is constructing that will at the end of our days comprise a life lived.
There was a old saying in the 1980s: "life's a b***h, and then you die." I couldn't relate to it then, and I still can't. It must be terrible to feel that there is no point to living life if all there is to expect will be grief, sorrow, disappointment every single day, every single moment. I honestly hope that where you find yourself is at a way station, not a crossroads, and that what you're struggling with has to do with wondering what your real qualities and gifts are and how to look for them and recognize them when you do.
If your grades are that low and you need to graduate from high school in order to cope with things, then go ahead and do so, but move on with a different attitude: take some time to figure out why things happened the way they did, what could have been done differently, and what can be done differently now. There is no shame in looking at community college or online classes as a stepping stone to higher education...there are many young people out there who might experience greater success later in life had they opted out of the typical college track and figured out first what was their best option.
Find out what truly excites or motivates you...don't be satisfied with what other people think about you; take the time to really come to grips with what is important and essential to you. Remember what was said in The Little Prince: "it is only with the heart that one can see clearly."
Keep a journal and make entries every day, no matter how trivial or minor things may be when you add them...it's amazing what occupies our mind/thoughts when we stop to look back at the past week or month...and you may be surprised to find something in a thread here or there that resonates more with the passage of time.
Take the time to discover how fortunate you might be compared to others. Volunteer for an organization whose cause you believe in. Help with the Red Cross. If you're good at science or math or animals, check out what's available locally in terms of outreach.
Whatever you decide, make a concerted effort to listen more than talk. Instead of stating your opinion immediately, listen to what others may say...encourage dialog, conversation. If your mother is truly burnt out, then you might be someone she can confide in and trust during this difficult time for her...you might be someone she needs other than just being a daughter or child...you'll never know if you don't try.
TS Eliot once wrote that "we shall not cease from exploration, and the end of our journeys will be when we return home and see it for the first time." Sometimes, it's not necessary to know what our purpose is, so long as we remain open, hopeful, thoughtful, aware and caring...for ourselves, others and the world around us.
Give yourself the space and time to clear your thoughts and realize how many lives you touch every single day. Think about your real blessings and gifts: being financially stable, smart or attractive isn't what I'm looking for, nor should you...I am talking about intangibles, things that cannot be seen but are essentially important to our well-being...this is the quest you find yourself on at this time.
If you give yourself permission to strike out on a path different from everyone else's expectations for you, you may discover what you're looking for...I suspect you're already perceptive enough to know this since you wrote and wanted some feedback. I know you have what you're looking for, inside your heart and mind...give yourself permission to be open, honest, caring and genuine, so that you can see yourself for what you really are. From what you've shared here, I have no doubt there is a unique, special person who deserves to be discovered and appreciated for who and what she really is, not what others expect her to be.
Remember, look for subtle signs of encouragement and hope all around you...the Japanese view courage as a plum tree blossoming while snow is on the ground.
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