Ironies

It was almost a month since I made a meaningful entry to this online forum, and while I kept meaning to write but never got around to doing so, it seemed odd that I didn't feel as guilty about not writing as I thought I would have...then this morning the realization hit me: the reason why I didn't feel so bad about not writing here was because I was fulfilling that desire to reach out and communicate through different forums, not just this one.

I joined an online volunteer network late in March that allowed me to respond to anonymous requests for advice.  While I thought it would take awhile to get used to what was being expected in terms of content, focus, etc., it didn't turn out to be as arduous as first thought...and then I discovered that there was a vast number of people out 'there' who wanted advice or at least a different perspective on their situation...so the minimum of two questions answered a week totaled 45 by the end of April...this in addition to the 100+ questions I've replied to on the other volunteer site I've participated in since the start of the year (Good Judgment Project) where a minimum of 25 was requested!

Now it's only been a month for one volunteer function and four months for the other, so it's hardly time to make any blanket assessments other than this:  when I consider what I'm doing in terms of work, add in these two outreach functions, and still feel as if I could be busier, then that says something about the kind of mental stimulation I need to keep from going crazy or feeling bored!

A principal frustration with my work's reporting has been the extent to which the basic content may be fine but the approach/direction gets tweaked to the point where the end result sounds less like me and more the kind of stylized, generic format preferred by banks...depending on whatever else was going on around me, that could either prove to be a minor annoyance or something more major when in fact it never ever really changed that much...what differed was my need to have it belong to me in order to maintain my sense of self-worth.  Whenever wholesale changes needed to be made (especially when recommended by people I did not really like), that would definitely do a number on my self-esteem.

Now though, I am regularly receiving positive feedback from one volunteering effort and not being questioned about my interpretation of world events in another, and it means a much more ongoing, sustaining realization that I may not be as totally clueless or useless as I might have felt in the recent past.

This is where hubris comes in.  Just because I've made some progress in developing a better self-image through outreach, I cannot stand on my laurels or strike out and attempt to do more...what I've needed to develop throughout my life is a sense of consistency; the kind of regular, steady sense of awareness and diversity I've felt in music, ballet, art and science...and this may be one of my last, best chances in which to do so. What I've told more people to follow is something I need to practice myself; namely, small incremental steps, advancing towards some distant goal that I will better understand some day but not now...that in the journey I may better understand something essential about life than I have to this point, and that meaningful growth does not have to scattered all about but can be focused and directed when we have the patience to allow it to be that way.